What's wrong with ARod?

Another baseball season is wrapping up, congrats to the Tigers and the Cardinals! Yadier Molina ... he has 2 more post season homeruns than I do, who would have guessed? However with the Series only 48 hours away, there is one man who is bitter and cold. That man, Darth Vadar himself; George Steinbrenner. Every year since 2000, "the Boss" dominates the coveted back page in the New York newspapers. Every year he creates a buzz! Who will the Yankees buy next? Who will they release? Who will he blame this time for buying overpaid, egocentric pretty boys who would care more about the back of their Yankee jersey if their names were on it. Instead of caring about the pinstripes!

Well folks, this year is following the script perfectly. It kind of reminds me of those old "slasher" movies. You know the one where the pretty 20 something year old girl is scared by some pyscho killer in her house, so she runs to the most obvious place .. the woods. Or it is as predictable as the guy who has been abducted and anal probed 12 times by aliens, who loves him some scotch, his double wide, a pack of Salems and NASCAR. With aging stars and crowd favorites such as Bernie Williams and Gary Sheffield this could be the off season tht makes or breaks the Yanks for the future.

Lets face it, the 2006 edition of the New York Yankees were a mess. Granted they did win the American League East.
(But)The Blue Jays were overrated, the Orioles are the worse franchise in baseball, the Devil Rays have been that, "wait 'til next season" team for 4 years and the BoSox were hurt every conceivable way. The only major injury the Red Sox did not endure this season was Terry Francona stepping in a bear trap! If it weren't for an irregular heartbeat (Ortiz), an inflamed knee(Manny), lymphoma ( Jon Lester), a fatigued arm(Pappelbon), missing the captain and anchor of your team during the stretch (Varitek), a strained bicep (Nixon) and perhaps the largest batch of misfortunes in MLB history, the Tigers would have had to go through Fenway!

However, the Yankees had their share of injury problems as well. Hadeki Matsui and Gary Sheffield were hurt for a large part of the season, Robinson Cano (who I drafted in the 18th round of my fantasy draft last season!) was MIA a lot as well. But unlike the Yankees of recent memory, this Yankee squad had nothing on the "bump." Let's look at the staff. Randy Johnson had spurts where he looked as dominant as in the past but never really came on. This week it has become public knowledge that he will be having back surgery, but will be ready for spring training. However, he is penciled in as New York's #4 or 5 guy next spring. Carl Pavano .... does he still play baseball? I am so glad he did not sign with the Sox! Jaret Wright, a hard
thrower (That's all I got). Mike Mussina, who looked good this season and is usually dependable. Then you have the rock of this staff. At the beginning of this seaon it was obvious that Chien Ming Wang was their ace besides he is being paid league minimum.(Pssssst .. that's sarcasm) But I think thats like 30 million Yen, I'm not sure of the exchange rate. Regardless there is no way he should have had the season he did. Last season he went 8-5 and had a solid rookie campaign, no one saw this coming. Until this season, the only thing I knew about Chien Ming Wang is that from a distance, he reminds me of Brendan Fraiser from the movie, "The Scout." I am still astounded by this. The ace of the "Pinstripes," the team that everyone affiliated with hip hop music loves, the team that Red Sox fans detest, the team that rapes and steals from small market teams by taking one of their best players to only sit them on the bench (Craig Wilson). Though Chacon for Wilson easily favors the Pirates! This team's pitching staff was anchored by a guy who know less English than Sammy Sosa at a Congressional Sub Comittee steroid investigation. I am still baffled! Regardless, Wang was solid. Wow, I laughed as I typed this. Time to grow up!

This season was a strugle for the entire Yankee organization and their fans, but it was a nightmare for one person in particular, Alex Rodriguez. No matter what he did, it was not good enough. Instead of his play on the field that was highlighted, news stories such as his need for a "shrink" and his fatigue due to sun bathing in Central Park are what we remember from A Rod's season. Now this next statement may shock you. Especially coming from a member of the Red Sox Nation, but Rodriguez had a good season. A Rod is among the top 5 third basemen in baseball statistically. Not too shaby coming from a "shortstop" playing third base on the largest stage, under the largest microscope in sports! He did lead all thirdbasemen in RBI, though his batting average dropped and and he did lose 13 homeruns from last season. But because of his shortcomings in October, A Rod is now an outcast in New York. For the New York media and fan base, if #13 did anything less than walk on water, he was a bum. What should A Rod do? Do you live another season being scrutinized for everything? Do you continue being Derek Jeter's bastard, red headed stepbrother? Does he leave New York for a small market team with only a one newspaper and a small arsenal of beat writers under an assumed name given by the Witness Protection Agency. "Now batting for your Milwaukee Brewers, Joe Winchestertonfieldville."

I have the solution. I know what Alex Rodriguez must do to revitalize his career! It is so simple anyone could have thought of this. A chimp in a medical laboratory could have stopped flinging poo long enough to come to this conclusion! A Rod MUST "snap," not like Ryan Leaf. Leaf was a horrible professional, but A Rod is an elite player. Yes, Alex must quit smiling and answering the same stupid question for the 1 billionth time. Instead of acting all cool and careless, he must go to the Denny Green school of interviewing! I want A Rod to go postal, he must or one day he will combust! Think this is stupid? Follow me here. Imagine this. The place is Yankee Stadium. The Yankees are playing Boston. It is the top of the 9th inning. Kevin Youkilis is on third while David Ortiz is on first. The Yankees bring in Mariano Rivera. Metallica is playing the background and the place is going crazy. Next up for the Red Sox is Manny Ramierez. Manny digs in and Rivera is pitching from the stretch. A double play would end the game and send the crowd home with yet another reason to love the Yankees. The pitch surprises Manny and he beats a ball hard into the ground. It looks to be a routine double play to Jeter. A perfectly hit ball to the catalyst, the captain, the face of the Yankees Derek Jeter. As the ball is rolling towards Jeter, Alex says, "Yo, DJ your designer Jordan sweatbands clash with your eyes AND your designer Jordan spikes." Just then Jeter becomes worried about how he looks, takes his eyes off the play and "boots" the ball. Youkilis scores and the BoSox go on to win the game. After the error Jeter looks at A Rod and says, "Geees Louise Alexander why would you go and do a thing like that, by gosh!" At this time Rodriguez goes crazy. Remember former WCW wrestler Bill Goldberg? A Rod spears Jeter then gets up and has a crazy glare in his eyes. Kind of like Bobby Boucher when people would spit in the "c-c-cooler." But A Rod's doesn't stop here. He needs to be a ticking timebomb. Remember when Milton Bradley would go after people in the stands? You need to add Milton Bradley, Ron Artest and Bill Romanowski. And just for a little flavor add the mental ability of John Rocker!

He needs to throw chairs into the stands. If he wants to make his point, he needs to hit a pregnant lady, a few elderly people, some kids, sightseers from China and perhaps some handicapped kids. And if given the chance, instead of pushing Don Zimmer down like Pedro did, A Rod must powerbomb him (Tommy Lasorda will fit here as well). Add all of this with an imaginary friend named Bambino by his side and we will have ourselves a great player waiting to be put on the 5th floor.

But A Rod has a large contract, he may very well still be a Yankee next season. Besides, if A Rod does stay in New York, he could always wear a straight jacket. Because the way he fielded his position this season .... a straight jacket may help!

Something's wrong with your Modula oblongota Colonel Sanders!


Smile on People, Smile on!

Editor's Note: I would like to thank Mr. Ryan Rondorf for the inspiration to write this piece. As we endulged on a wonderful Public School System lunch, we both schemed this idea. Dorf, you complete me ..*tear* Ok, that's a little dramatic! Thanks Ryan! TA's for Life! ..... SIKE!