The BCS

The leaves have fallen, the weather is colder, egg nog consumption is on the rise and idiots everywhere are paying $3,000 for the Playstation 3. That means 2 things ... Christmas is right around the corner and it's college football's bowl season! But early on this cold November Sunday morning, I am doing much more than just drinking hot cocoa, wearing my Pluto slippers and watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I am sitting at my desk pondering one of life's most bewildering questions. "Where do they come up this mess?" I will attempt to figure the enigma that is college football. All the while, watching my favorite Christmas movie of all time! "What I say? Nipple?"

Yesterday I watched perhaps the greatest rivalry game this season. For someone who thrives off of chaos, as I do, the Michigan/Ohio State game was awesome! I come from a small town in Maryland that annually shuts down the second Saturday of November. As the Fort Hill Sentinels battle the Allegany Campers for the coveted "Kettle." This season, to my delight, Fort Hill steamrolled Allegany 35-14 (GO BIG RED!). This game is one of the largest high school games in the country, not being played in Texas. Every year, the entire city as well as alumni fill Greenway Avenue Stadium bringing the average attendance to 14,000 people. Seriously, you could rob every bank in town and no one would know until the next day! Now I understand that the amount of people attending this high school football game only equals the amount of fans in one end zone section of the Horse Shoe in Columbus, but it proves that to a lesser extent I can understand and appreciate the hysteria of a rivalry game. A close friend of mine lives in Columbus and he sent me an email a few days ago. Here is the email.

"Now, I realize that all of us are fans of some team (whatever sport it may be). But after living through the last week here in Ohio I have decided that none of us are actual fans of anything until we meet up with what fans out here are like. To put it plainly, none of you are real fans.

As of this week I learned how true fans act. I have multiple examples to support my theory.

1) As you all know elections took place just a short while ago. Apparently here in the O-H-I-O, the ladies who ran against each other for Attorney General are in dispute over who won. One of the ladies demanded a recount but the board of elections told them they would have to wait on the results of the recount until after this Saturday's game. They didn't want to cause a distraction during the big game.

2) Ted Strickland who just won his first term as the big OH's governor scheduled his inauguration for Jan. 8th. Those of you who say you're college football fans know that this is the date for the national championship game. Ted, knowing that OSU (yes I just made a prediction) will be in that game also set a second date for the inauguration so that once again, no one would have to miss the action.

3) I was at a funeral today. For the final song of the service, they played an OSU fight song from the OSU marching band CD. Then as we sat around tables at the reception afterward all that you could hear was talk about the game. It was so erie that I didn't really know if this was a funeral or a pre-game lunch.

4) Authorities have requested that Michigan fans not show their team colors until they are inside the stadium where they think they can protect them. Umm...yeah.

So this is my theory, none of us are real fans. Sure we can paint our bodies at ENC (Eastern Nazarene College) games or yell and scream at our teams on TV but when the state's government starts planning events based on the OSU schedule, I have to think that I am staring in an episode of the Twilight Zone. I could go on but honestly, I am not sure it is worth the time explaining what Ohio is like right now. Let's just say, it scares me...

Fearful someone might see this and claim I am a Michigan fan..."

(Great email Jarrod!)



Well, the game lived up to the hype. If you did not watch it or TiVo it, I am wicked sorry! It had everything. Hated rivals! #1 vs. #2! A January 8th trip to the National Championship game in Arizona on the line! Drunk students chanting things at the set of ESPN's College Game Day. Which brings me to this point. How can ESPN's Kirk Herbstreit, a former OSU quarterback, be so unbiased? Dude, if I were him I would rip Michigan every chance I could, screw professionalism! "This team sucks. They flat out suck. They are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!" It would be 5 minutes later that I would be fired from ESPN and a day before I would be living in an abandoned railroad road car, eating pork & beans out of a can with my riding buddy "Smelly Pete." I am that guy who swore that the Dallas Cowboys sucked after winning 3 Super Bowls in the 90's. Yeah, I'm that guy!

Last night when the clock stopped ticking and the field was covered by a storm of Buckeyes students, that is when the real chaos began! From Gainesville ,Florida to South Bend, Indiana to Los Angeles, California and Ann Arbor, Michigan, the looting and destruction began! Porta Potties were overturned, retirement villages were burned down to the ground, playgrounds were spray painted, old people using walkers and other walking assistants were kicked to the ground, children were told that there is no Santa Claus, all while Priests were punching people ,confessing for their sins in confessional booths, in the face! All because we do not know who would play Ohio State for the title. OKAY, none of this really happened but whichever team is shunned out of the January 8, 2007 date this may become the norm! (It's the end of the world as we know it ...)

Here is the way that I see the whole BSC right now:

1. The Ohio State University
* undeniable #1! Troy Smith + Antonio Pittman + Ted Ginn Jr. = National Title

2. Michigan Wolverines
* Obvious #2. Only lose was to #1 ranked OSU, in Columbus by 3! Did I mention they spanked Notre Dame? The number of points the wolverines scored almost match Charlie Weis' pant size!

3. University of Southern California
* Many say they will leap frog Michigan with a win versus Notre Dame. I have one problem with that. THEY FREAKIN LOST TO OREGON STATE! Someone please start the "OVERRATED" chant!

4. Florida
* If Michigan does not get in and Florida defeats Arkansas in the SEC Championship, they should be playing OSU.
C'mon, it has to be worth something to be the champion of the toughest conference in college football!

5. Notre Dame University
* Realistically, there is a better shot of OJ Simpson maintaining his innocence of the death of Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman, than the Fighting Irish playing in Arizona. The way Michigan manhandled them earlier killed them!


Other notables aka NO CHANCE!

6. Arkansas - Loss to USC 50-14 in week 1. Even if they beat Florida in the SEC Championship ... they're done!
7. WVU- Someone please tell me how they are ahead of Louisville? Didn't the Cardinals already beat them?
8. Wisconsin- I didn't even realize they were in the top 10. Hmmm who knew (outside of Madison)?
9. Louisville- Despite beating WVU, the loss to Rutgers really hurt them. Vindication could come December 2 when Rutgers goes to Morgantown to play the Moutaineers. This will be a mess if WVU beats Rutgers! By the way, how did Rutgers fair against Cincinnati?
10. LSU- Uhhhhhh, I'm spent .... whatever. #3 in the SEC wont get it done!

Boise State- I don't care if you're undefeated, the second to last team in the SEC could beat the second best team in your conference! Go back to your blue turf!

Another sign that a OSU/Michigan rematch is on the horizon. The winning numbers in the Ohio Lottery pick 4 was 4-2-3-9.
Looks like I will be sleeping with my night light on tonight!

Well there you have it! I am still drinking cocoa and I am still in my slippers while I watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. Hey, I don't know if it is coincidental but as I finish this, we are at an appropriate part of the movie.
It's the scene where Cousin Eddy is dumping the septic tank of his RV in the sewer. Clark Griswold's "uppity" neighbor then leaves his house for a jog as he smells the sewage. Cousin Eddy then looks at him and says, "Merry Christmas, the shi*ter is full!"

As I look at the BCS situation, Cousin Eddy is exactly right!

Smile on people ... smile on!