Now what do I do?

This past weekend was magical! The birds were singing. Children were laughing. Old people were doing whatever it is old people do. And my blood pressure remained where it should. The Washington Redskins were on a bye week. I barely watched any football at all! Sure, I checked out scores and stats for fantasy football purposes, but that was the extent. I let Lindsay take a much needed day off and Briley and I hit the town!!(Pretty sad when getting gas, coffee and going to Big Lots equals a day out on the town!) We were making preparations for her 2 big parties celebrating her 1st year of existence! As I pulled back up to the house and walked inside, I did my routine of taking the 17 layers of clothing off that we use to keep her warm. I then thought, "Dude, what am I going to write about this week."

So my mind began to wander ... as usual! Michigan and Ohio State play in 2 weeks. WVU and Louisville play on Thursday Night. My alma mater the Fort Hill Sentinels will crush the Allegany Campers next weekend. Which is the largest High School football game on the East Coast. The University of Maryland Women Terrapins Basketball Team is ranked #1, being lead by my homegirl Kristi Tolliver. Finally, the NBA season began 2 nights ago. (Boy did the Heat suck or what?) After contemplating all of this I have decided to devote this blog to the National Basketball Association. Which is now playing with a "cow friendly" ball! Thank you PETA now you can fight for the small child making that new basketball in a sweatshop for .13 cents a day!

As we all know today's basketball seems to be lacking something. I remember the glory days of Magic vs Larry and that awesome Christmas Day match up of Michael and the Boys vs. Isiah and the Thugs! Now that was basketball! Don't get me wrong LeBron is a great player to watch, though I thought the whole King James thing was a bit much! D Wade is exciting. Jason Kidd is perhaps in the top 5 of Point Guards of all time. Steve Nash's hairstyles are talked about more than the fact that he knows how to manage a team. And players such as Gilbert Arenas are so underrated it is sickening (see last year's all star game for proof). The NBA right now just isn't what it used to be. I guess the perception of the players has changed. NBA players used to be tough. Remember when Pippen was clotheslined by John Starks and had that bump the size of "Mini Me" on his head? If you even thought of doing that to a player now, automatic 5 game suspension and you could not do any cameos in a Hip Hop video for one year! TV ratings are down and the Association has lost it's appeal.
But David Stern, I am here to save the day. I will give you the Top 5 things the NBA must do to bring the fans back!

#5- "Be a GM for a Night!"

Do you have what it takes to make the big moves? Can you screw you up one of the most proud franchises in sports history?
Can you pay 52 million dollars to 6 players who are not even on your roster? Do you have the management "know how" to sign 4 point guards who don't know how to pass? Can you overpay old veterans who graduated from High School when the first George Bush was in office? Can you sign a legendary, Hall of Fame caliber coach to a multi million dollar contract, only for to fire him or allow him to resign the very next year? If you answered yes to any or "heck" all of these questions, you can become the General Manager of the New York Knicks for a night.

#4- Replace the All Star Game with the NBA's best Ex Cons vs. their Parole Officers

This idea may take a while to really be embraced, but I believe it will work. It's simple. You take every NBA player who has had his "fair share" of run ins with the "Boys in Blue." And you match them up against their Parole Officers. Leading the NBA squad would be a number of current player as well as former NBA All Stars. (Enter Chicago Bulls PA announcer Ray Clay, as The Allen Parsons Project music blares) "And now the starting line ups for your NBA Ex Cons. At Forward the newest Bad Boy of the NBA, the only thing worse than his fight at the Palace in Auburn Hills is his rap career, Ron Artest. At the other forward, the NBA's most overrated player perhaps in League history, Steven Jackson. The man in the middle, who could start his own baseball team with the number of children he has, Ralph Sampson. At guard, once called the "Easy Rider" now he is known as the "I swear I have glaucoma" Isiah JR Rider. And the other guard, the only thing that could match his choking during the playoffs is his choking of PJ Carlisimo, Latrell Sprewell." I think this could really be the beginning of something great!

#3 - Instead of NBA players playing. Somehow have whatever their team name is playing.

Remember the weather has been changing and I am on a NyQuil binge right now! But think about this! Do you want entertainment? Try watching a pack of Timberwolves battle a pack of Bobcats. I would much rather watch this than the previously mentioned Bulls/Heat season opener! Or how about the Hornets versus the Raptors. Freaky, huh? However this would not always work ... I am not sure what a SuperSonic really is and I am not sure what a Net could do? Also, I am not sure how Jazz could strike fear into the hearts of anyone. However I do know one thing. Put your meanest team name on the floor: Cavalier, Warrior, Rocket you name it .... I will take a drunk red headed Irish man from Beantown over them all. Go Celtics!

#2 - "Kick a mascot in the crotch night"

I remember when I was young my Mom would always take me to baseball games in Pittsburgh. This was kind of like our Memorial Day ritual. I remember when I was about 16, my Mom surprised me with tickets to see the Pirates play the Dodgers. Dude, I was soooo excited! We got to Three Rivers Stadium(This was before stadiums were supposed to be pretty) wicked early, for I loved to watch batting practice. Once BP was over we made our way to our seats. Man, they were awesome seats. We were sitting in the first row directly behind the Dodgers dugout. I guess my Mom thought that my quick wit and barbs were much more useful in these seats because the players could actually hear me. You see in the past, we would sit in the outfield seats and I would say all of these funny things to players, the problem was they were roughly 3 miles away! We were lucky to get the seats, they were great. Well actually it wasn't luck. The Pirates sucked and most seats were available especially the seat the Manager sits in. Though the Pirates were bad and their payroll was about as much as the loose change I have in my recliner, I enjoyed the game. We were so close I could hear the coaches talk to the players. I could see the signals from coaches to players. And I could hear players cry about the strike zone. As a kid, I was a student of the game. I would always keep the best scorebook I could. This game was no different, that is until the bird had to ruin it. My premium seat turned into the stage of the idiotic!
I watched as Dodger slugger Mike Piazza walked to the plate. The game was tied at 2 in the top of the 7th Inning. At this time a shadow descended upon my Pirates scorecard and blocking my view of the game was a 8 foot Parrot. The Pittsburgh Parrot to be exact. He danced and danced and danced. But the more I tried to ignore this high school dropout in a glorified Big Bird suit, the more he tried to get my attention. And obviously since mascots cannot talk they rely on gestures and movements to convey their point. I am not sure why but this bird seemed to be doing pelvic thrusts in my general direction. I'll be honest, looking back at it, I kind of felt like a male page working for some old Congressmen. I felt dirty! Just then I hear a "crack." Mike Piazza just sent a 3-2 curve over the centerfield fence and I missed it because of this moron! It was at that very moment
I turned on the mascot.
That is why I am calling on the NBA to make this a monthly activity. Remember in '93? MJ and the Bulls vs. Charles and the Suns playing for the Championship.In Chicago, Barkley was introduced and made his way onto the court. Awaiting him was the Bulls mascot with his thumbs down. Charles playfully slapped the Bull in his "muppetesque" snout. How much funnier would it have been if Sir Charles would have kicked him in the crotch? Just thinking about it makes me laugh!

#1- "Bring your wives to the game"

This idea will be especially good in Utah. All fans are urged to bring their wife or in the case of the Mormons (or any other freaky cult like people) their wives. So you figure, the Jazz would make about 4 or 5 times what they normally do. I know that you are saying to yourselves that this is a pretty weak #1, but really it's not. This has the potential of making the most revenue. To me, this idea has Fox written all over it. Tonight after "When mimes attack, we at Fox will bring you our newest reality show. Wives Swap: Meet your new Moms."

Well there you have it. My ideas to turn the NBA around. If the NBA does not call me I will pitch these ideas to the CFL, the AFL, the XFL, the WNBA, the PBA, the NRA, the CBA, the NBADL, and any other organization who use abbreviations
(Except the BCS, they are screwed up enough as it is!)

Smile on people ... Smile On!